Regrets

I was surfing thru my email notifications….Using Firefox I can open up each link in a separate tab and then just tab thru all the entries….Screw IE, Firefox rules….Ok nuff ’bout that….

I was thinking as I read Pimme’s post about her loss of a neighbor/friend about regrets and how they can cripple your life, hold you back, influence future decisions.

If you read my two posts on religion, the first post I discussed the passing of my youngest sister at age 8. I have spent years trying to figure out my actions (or rather INaction) on the last day I saw her alive….THAT’s my regret…

It was a nice lazy Sunday (sorta like today) in Milford, Nebraska….I was 14 years old and my father had my sister at our apartment….We played in the leaves in the front yard….Me, being the Big Brother, got the rake and raked them all into a pile and commenced jumping on them….Sis, although she was in a wheelchair, loved the whole spectacle…She laughed and laughed every time I would take a flying leap into this pile of leaves…She LOVED it…She’d laugh and laugh….To this day, I miss that laugh but I hear it echoed in my son’s laugh (an entirely separate post on FTP’ing some vids of him laughing to come)…

We played in the yard for awhile and then headed back inside while the afternoon winded down…It was a relaxing Sunday afternoon and KPTM Fox42 was doing a movie marathon….The next show to come on was Born in East LA with Cheech Marin…Not a bad show by any means and I remember liking it up to that point…I’d seen it on television a couple other times and thought it was so funny….

It came time for Sis to leave (Dad had to run her back to the foster mom’s house) and Dad asked if I’d like to come with the two of them….No, I said, I’m going to stay and watch the misadventures of Cheech here ’cause this movie is so funny.

This was either the 2pm showing or the 4pm showing (I don’t recall exactly) on Sunday, the 27th of October, 1991.

Leah died on Tuesday, the 29th shortly after 8am.

I’ve NEVER let myself live it down. Never, never, never. It still hurts me to think of it right now.

Yes, I know that it wouldn’t have made any difference. Yes, I know that a million variables changing wouldn’t have halted the fact that she would die in less than 48 hours. I know all that. So why does it still hurt? Why does it still bother me?

Because although that movie was funny, it was no match for the laughs of my sister. It was incomparable to the happiness I felt when she smiled for me. Smiled AT me. When she gripped my hand so tight that I thought she’d cut off the circulation. No movie ever could make up for those times with her.

Needless to say, I hate that fucking movie now. Thinking about it is making my eyes wet again. If the movie is on, I make an effort to change the channel. If I see it for sale somewhere, I walk the other way.

I’ll never forget the regrets I have because instead of saying one last goodbye to my sister (yes, I know that could not have known it would be my last) I chose to watch some movie about a guy who is having a tough time staying in America…What a pathetic trade-off…I’d take all the movies I’ve EVER seen and remove them from my memory if I could only have 5 more minutes with Leah.

I still miss her, to this day.

Regrets can cripple you and change the way you think about things. Do YOU have any regrets? Be honest here. If you can’t fit them in the comments, then just put up a post about them and then send the link my way. I want to know your regrets too…

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